I will be alright. Hopefully.

I don't know what to say.

Ever felt so mad at something but have no one to blame but yourself? But it's not really your fault too so you become extremely frustrated and upset and just end up crying.

I've always believed that people can do whatever they wanted but in return, deal with the consequences as well. That trip was supposed to be the highlight of this year. I've always pictured it to be one of the best things to ever have experienced. I left in the midst of the most crucial part of the semester though I did make sure to finish everything before leaving. All the requirements and papers were done. I had so much confidence. I was naive and I was wrong.

I left sacrificing a presentation and a quiz. Little did I know how much that weighed on my grades. Now, I'm not really one to worship grades because those are really just numbers and don't really define you as a whole. I even used to shamelessly fail classes. However, I really did go through a transition stage when I failed some classes in my first years of college and had to retake classes. It hit me hard. I realized that even though grades aren't important as a person, it IS very important if I want a decent enough future with the kind of lifestyle I'm living.

I broke down in class today. First time I ever cried for a grade. My grade went from a 94 to an 86 in a span of days. I don't really know whether to accept it or not. I don't really have a choice. It's just that, I REALLY REALLY DID DO MY BEST AT EVERYTHING BEFORE I LEFT. I kept revising and editing until I was pleased with my work and was still able to submit everything before the deadline. Sometimes even on the same day that the task was given. I thought I was at the height of my motivation.

The sudden flow of extra work happened during my trip. I missed everything. Upon return, I was rushing because I had much to do. It was too much and too sudden to process, I guess. I was crap. I almost did nothing right when I came back. Even right now, I'm still trying to let it sink in that that heaven of a vacation is over. That I still have another week of work as a student before the semestral break called the exam week. But to make it short, I failed myself.

That trip. That trip that was supposed to be nothing but a cause of happiness and celebration has caused me my grade. Sometimes I wish I didn't go. If I only knew how much that trip would cause my grade, I wouldn't have went in the first place. Even if it was my grandmother and I's birthday. But I didn't know and I went.  So now I'm in a dilemma.

Wow. Days after my special day, adulthood has already smacked me in the shin.